Peace

I learned something yesterday and wanted to share it with everyone. This is some of my journal entry.

Nervous breakdown----I blame it all on the big 3-0- which is fast approaching, but I had to find peace of mind and doing that meant I had to go and have my favorite procedure done-yep a pap smear. I probably would have bypassed it if I could have and gone straight to having a mammogram but they wouldn't let me without a doctors "note." So I made the annual appointment and today was that day. I get to the doctors office and Dr West had an emergency c-section and my appointment would have to be changed. I asked if they could get me in anyways, I could see anyone. I rearranged babysitters and got everything ready to go back to my appointment later that afternoon. What a blessing in disguise. The nurse practitioner Dixi came in and immediately I started to cry. I didn't really know I was that emotional but then again I am have a nervous breakdown. She said I hear you want to have a mammogram. I told her how I am approaching my 30th birthday and that is the age my mom was when she found out she had cancer and I was scared. Turns out that Dixi a year ago just finished her chemo treatments and her mom is currently taking chemo treatments. Totally unrelated but they both have breast cancer. Dixi was 48 when she got breast cancer and her mom was 65. She let me know that having breast cancer didn't stop her life. She knew it wouldn't. She claimed to not be a very religious person but received a feeling or impression that she would get through it and that is what she did. I too know with faith I will get through this. I cried and she understood my emotions of loosing my mother at 34 and wanting to be there for my babies. She told me of ways to possibly prevent getting breast cancer-a drug to take but one I can't take until I am done having kids or possibly having a double mastectomy and then implants to remove the breast tissue. She handed me a dime and told me I may have the genetic gene from my mother but two things had to be factored into cancer: genetic and environment. Unless I get the other dime, I won't get cancer. Who knows I may get the environment dime but I have to have both dimes to get cancer. I can't control my destiny or my future. I can only live with what I've been given. Yes, I am reaching the big 30 and yes that's the age my mother detected leukemia and yes I have getting grey hairs and wrinkles and have hair growing in places I wish it didn't. My dad said that one day I'll be 29 and the next I'll be 30 and I won't even feel the difference. I think it is just the number that scares me so much. But doing these small things-like having a pap smear and a mammogram in January and dying my hair to hide the grays and anything that makes me feel better is worth my peace of mind and it makes me feel better. It is worth doing. I kindof feel silly for writing this and crying in the doctors office it makes me feel better. Isn't that what they say early detection saves lives. I will never let it go 19 months again between annual exams. Dixi suggested I do each yearly, a mammogram and an annual pap smear but each 6 months apart so I am being checked every 6 months. I will have peace of mind as I age gracefully. My Patriartical blessing says my body and life may be preserved and my health may be strong and that I may not be impaired physically. That I may carry all my burdens happily, joyfully and pleasantly. Great happiness will be the end and the result of my life here upon the earth. Like Dixi said I am not going to fear, I will not let fear stop my life. Sure turning 30 is a big milestone and one day I will pass 34 and great happiness will be the end and the result of my life here upon the earth.